How to Overcome Shyness . In our first post, we talked about the nature of shyness and its symptoms. In last week’s article, we outlined the faulty thinking that leads to self- consciousness and anxiety, which in turn fuels shy feelings and the desire to avoid socializing. Today we’re going to take the points we’ve made so far, and connect them with action steps grounded in cognitive behavioral therapy. Keep in mind that it took years for you to develop your faulty thinking about socializing, so it’s going to take awhile to transform that habitual, familiar mindset. Don’t expect overnight success. As you implement these tips into your life, slowly but surely you’ll find yourself becoming less and less shy. Build the Foundation. Start with the easy stuff: hygiene and dressing well. Self- consciousness drives shyness, and the easiest way to start mitigating that self- consciousness is by practicing good hygiene and dressing well – no cognitive re- framing required. Shy folks have enough to feel anxious about without worrying if people are looking at their acne or a stain on their shirt. It’s easy to dismiss such things as unimportant or superficial, but you’ll truly be surprised by how much more confident you’ll be when you feel like you look good. You’ll carry yourself differently in your interactions and be more inclined to strike up conversations with those you meet. Check out our extensive style section to start feeling more confident in how you dress. Build authentic confidence through mastery. A website dedicated to helping people overcome shyness through education-- providing information on the origins of shyness, tips for overcoming shyness. An overview of what shyness is, its varying degrees of severity, and general approaches to coping with it. Shyness and social phobia do not have to interfere with achieving professional and interpersonal goals. The pain of shyness can be relieved by challenging automatic. Shyness is something that affects most people at sometime in their life. There are some simple tips that can help make socialising easier. Dread public speaking? Try these confidence-boosting strategies to overcome shyness. Another indirect way to decrease your social anxiety is to build your confidence through your mastery of some subject or skill. Oftentimes shyness arises from a sense of not having anything of value to offer people. Being an expert in some area helps quiet this insecurity and makes you feel more sure of yourself. Boost your resilience. Shy people are unresilient in the face of a perceived social threat. Awkward social interactions can really shake them and torpedo their confidence. Strengthening your overall resilience will give you the mental toolbox you need to bounce back more quickly from setbacks – whether social or otherwise. We wrote an in- depth series several years ago on becoming more resilient. If you’d like all the content in one place, check out our ebook version. You’ll find tactics on how to stop catastrophizing and avoid the “me/always/everything” mindset that reinforces the faulty idea that socializing is stressful and threatening. Develop the Right Mindset Understand that shyness is normal. One of the things that makes overcoming shyness seem so hard is that shy people often assume it’s a problem that only a few others experience. This makes them apt to think that there’s something fundamentally wrong with them. The reality is that most people will experience shyness from time to time throughout their lives. Even many public figures are shy, but they’ve learned to manage it successfully. If they can do it, you can too. By understanding that shyness is common and more importantly, commonly overcome, the problem begins to seem far less debilitating. If you want to learn how to stop being shy around girls, then this article will break it down for you in 3 simple steps that you can start using today.Repeat after me: socially awkward moments aren’t survival threats. Social anxiety has deep roots; in our primordial past, belonging to a group was essential to survival. Social anxiety is nature’s way of ensuring that we do what we have to do to stay with the pack. Even though today we live in a pretty safe environment and don’t have to worry about dying if we’re not part of a social group, our brains continue to gin up massive amounts of stress and anxiety at the specter of being rejected. How do you overcome this primal instinct that’s out of sync with our modern environment? A clue can be found in looking at another of our brain’s overly protective impulses. Researchers have found that when we exercise, our brain says we are exhausted even when our bodies actually have more to give; it does so because its primitive side is anxious about our survival and holding onto our physiological fuel. The pain from a hard workout isn’t “real” in the sense of it indicating that you can’t actually go on; you’ve simply triggered a primordial shut- off valve that can be pushed through. Studies have found that this survival tendency that holds us back from further exertion can be overcome by talking to ourselves as we exercise – constantly repeating mantras like “I’m feeling good.”The same principle applies to addressing the problem of your brain overreacting to the threat of social rejection. The anxiety isn’t “real” in the sense that you’re actually in danger of something life- threatening befalling you. It’s a feeling being generated by a bunch of neurons. That is all. If you make a bad first impression with a group of guys, what’s the worst that could happen? Sure, they might think you’re weird or some kind of flake, but so what? Are you going to die because of it? Unless you’re in a Mexican prison, probably not. If a woman rejects your date offer, what’s the worst that could happen? Are you doomed to be a genetic dead end? There are plenty of other women you can ask out and with whom you can possibly begin a happy and fulfilling relationship. You’re no worse off than you were before, other than what you allow yourself to feel about the encounter. So if you feel stressed before, during, or after a social interaction, continually remind yourself that these awkward moments aren’t survival threats. When you start feeling those anxious, shy feelings, keep repeating to yourself: “Everything’s fine. My brain thinks it’s 1. BC and is overreacting. I’m not in danger of dying on the savanna. I’m not in danger of dying on the savanna.”Decide that it’s okay if some people don’t like you (you don’t like some people, after all!). Part of the anxiety and self- consciousness that arises from socializing springs from the fact that we want everyone to like us. If someone doesn’t seem to dig our vibe, it can be crushing, or at least irksome. But no one is universally liked; even very popular “nice guy” celebrities like Jimmy Fallon or Tom Hanks have their haters. And that’s okay! Everyone’s personality jibes with different people. Your personality just isn’t going to align with some folks. Remember, there are people you don’t like too! And you probably don’t generate terrible thoughts about them either, but simply think, “That’s just not my type of person.” So don’t take it personally if others don’t seem to get you. Field- Test Your Skills. Start small. A common approach shy individuals will take to overcome their anxiousness is take on some big social challenge like going to a single’s mixer or walking up to a model- esque woman and striking up a conversation. The problem with this approach is that if you fail to smoothly socialize, you just reinforce the narrative in your head that you’re shy and awkward, that you can’t change, that socializing is threatening, and that the only way to get rid of those threatening feelings is to avoid socializing altogether. Success breeds success when overcoming shyness. The more you see yourself successfully managing your anxiety, the more your story about yourself will change. So put yourself in a position to have as much success as early as possible. Instead of setting big goals, set small ones that seem less threatening. First, simply work on making more eye contact with people. When the cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, look her in the eye when you say yes. Then, work on asking a single question to people you engage with in passing interactions. When you get your daily coffee, ask your barista how her day is going. If you need help finding something at a store, ask a clerk to help you. After a college class, ask your professor to expand on something he touched on in the lecture. Next, try to engage people with some back and forth questions and get a short conversation going. Treat your small, everyday social interactions like little experiments. See what happens when you engage people socially instead of simply avoiding them. You may be surprised to learn that socializing isn’t that scary after all and won’t lead to existential annihilation. Can’t even start small? Well, you know it’s not a matter of physical capability – you can do it, you just can’t make yourself do it. Thus, the problem runs deeper than shyness. It’s an issue of courage – your will’s ability to overcome fear needs to be developed. To strengthen one’s will, I would actually recommend starting with physical challenges rather than social ones. I believe that physical courage bolsters one’s emotional courage, more than the reverse. Our physical needs have always been the most fundamental to our survival; as such, they represent the seat of our strongest drives and our greatest fears. If you can tame your tendency to run from physical pain, you can then work your way up the hierarchy of needs and conquer your fear of emotional pain. So if you have severe shyness, and can’t even begin to look people in the eye, my somewhat unorthodox advice would be to first make strenuous physical feats a regular part of your life. Do HIIT workouts at least a couple times a week. Take cold showers a few times a week. Take up long- distance running. Becoming comfortable will physical discomfort won’t automatically make you comfortable with socializing, but it will build your confidence and create a foundation for the belief that your will is capable of bossing your fearful mind. But what if you can’t bring yourself to step into a cold shower either? There’s no easy answer. As Yoda wisely put it, “Do or do not. There is no try.” You have to reach a point where you simply take a big breath and jump in. Nearly every good thing in life, from our physical health to our social prowess, is predicated on the ability to put aside immediate fear and discomfort for a long- term reward. Strengthening your will is the prerequisite for all other progress. Practice every day in non- threatening situations. Overcoming Shyness and Social Phobia. Shyness, (sometimes inaccurately called 'social phobia'), affects most people at some time in their life. Young people in particular find overcoming shyness difficult as they improve their social skills. And for some, shyness seems to persist into adult life, almost as if it has become a 'habit'. Shyness has its roots in self consciousness and usually dissipates as people mature and become more experienced. However, for some it can 'stick', and then action is required. Although most people think in terms of 'overcoming shyness', it is more likely that you will become comfortable in social situations by learning the strategies of self confidence along with social skills. Then, shyness is no longer the issue, as social nerves will melt away as a new 'habit' takes their place. It is perfectly natural to be a little timid in a situation where you don't yet know the 'rules', or what to do. In fact, most people experience some degree of nerves when, say going to meet friends, especially if it is somewhere they haven't been before, or someone new will be there. We have to be very careful not to assume that there is something wrong with this. Social nerves are natural, as long as they don't get out of hand. Focusing on them and making them into a 'big thing' will only make matters worse. When learning about social situations, young people need the chance to find their own way, without being labeled with 'social phobia'. This is not to say that social phobia does not exist; I know it does because I have worked with people suffering from it. However, in the vast majority of cases, the solution is social skills training, and perhaps relaxation and rehearsal, rather than drugs. If a person can maintain a degree of calmness in a situation, then they are much more likely to be able to learn about how the situation works. However, if they are highly anxious and internally focused, both their emotional state and focus of attention will make it more difficult to pick up on subtle social cues. The other key point about overcoming shyness is that most of socialising is an unconscious process. That doesn't mean you should be asleep when you're doing it (tell that to people I speak to at parties ; -), it simply means that much of human communication is non- verbal. That is, 'it's not what you say, it's the way that you say it'. If you become highly anxious, this will tend to focus your conscious mind on your immediate environment, getting in the way of those unconscious processes. Ask them about themselves, and concentrate when they answer you. Remember what they tell you about themselves so you can talk about it later, or on another occasion. How do they do that? By being really, genuinely interested in other people. If you are talking to someone and you feel boring or inferior, ask why that is. Is it really all your fault? Sentences beginning with 'I' are not only a turn- off for the listener, they also keep the focus of attention on you, which increases shyness. Like on imagining what it will be like to really enjoy the social event, on how it will feel to be full of energy, or to be having a great conversation with someone. The exercises and techniques contained within the Self Confidence Course should help with shyness because they focus on what to do to feel confident, rather than how to avoid feeling shy. Overcoming shyness is about doing the things that allow you to enjoy social situations, not wondering why you feel shy! Good luck and I hope this article has been useful.
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August 2017
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